I am ashamed to say that I always thought Christian's were desperate and lonely
individuals who used religion as a crutch. I was however in awe of those few
Christians that I had met that seemed to have an absolute faith in God. When I
was about 15 I was invited on a night hike by a girl called Judith I had befriended through
the St John Ambulance cadets. On the walk I met some of her Christian friends
and was intreagued to know how one became a Christian and got the faith that
they seemed to have. I was told I just had to open the door in my heart and
invite Christ to come in. Later that night back at home I prayed to God and
asked him to come into my life. Nothing seemed to happen, I think I was
expecting something dramatic to occur. When it didn't, I dismissed the issue
and gave it no further thought.
I went through University and early
adulthood living my life as I wished and with no thought or fear of God. As a
young mother I made friend's with a lovely Christian girl (now my best friend George) and observed the way
she behaved and acted towards other people. She never pushed her faith in my
face but often invited me along to her church. I went a couple of times but
found it all a bit strange and uncomfortable. I was used to a traditional
church environment with mass and a few dull hymns. At her church the people
were singing and dancing, worshiping and praising God with their arms in the
air. People also spoke in tongues. I mistakenly believed they were pretending
that they were speaking a foreign language when it seemed clear to me that they
were just talking gobbledegook.
However, in 2006 I agreed to attend an
alpha course that the church (CCK in Brighton) were running. I fully intended to
go along and enjoy a good debate and was expecting to pull apart any argument
that they presented to me. The course was held in my local pub and included a
free meal and then table discussions.
As it happened I missed the first
evening of the course as I suffered a miscarriage at eleven weeks pregnant. The
miscarriage was a devastating blow as my husband and I had been trying for our
second child for several years and had been about to embark on fertility
treatment when we had discovered I was pregnant. Looking back now I believe
that God was letting me know that it was possible for me to fall pregant
naturally but that then wasn't the right time. Had the pregnancy continued I
don't believe I would have stuck with the Alpha course and would never have made
a commitment to Christ.
The following week I did make it along to the
course and the first thing I noticed was that the people on my table were
remarkably normal, not the sad, weird individuals that I had expected.
The teaching that evening was about the evidence for the bible and how
many copies of the bible have been discovered and how even non christian
historian's of the time support the existence of Christ. I was quite shocked as
I had always assumed that it was all just a nice story and that there was no
factual truth to the bible or Jesus' existence.
As the course continued
we looked at who Christ was and whether he was what he claimed to be, i.e. the
son of God. I suddenly realised that if Christ really existed (for which the
evidence is overwhelming strong) then there were really only three options.
Either he was good and was exactly what he claimed to be. He was Bad and was
making it all up or he was mad and genuinely believed what he was saying but it
wasn't really true.
When you look at it, 'the good' answer is the only
logical response.
If he was really a bad man, nothing else about his
behaviour, life and teachings makes sense and why would he allow himself to be
killed for something he knew was not true.
I don't believe he was mad
because his teachings are so wise and insightful and I find it hard to believe
he would have attracted the following he did if he had been completely
insane.
The other thing that swung the argument for me was the
resurrection and the empty tomb. Again I had never before realised that the
bible meant a bodily resurrection. I thought it was just a ghost seen by the
disciples. When I learned that Jesus appeared to over 2000 people I was
astounded.
Again the empty tomb story does not make sense unless the
resurrection is true. Either the authorities took the body in which case they
would have produced it to prove that the resurrection was not true or if the
disciples had taken the body why would they have had such a complete mood change
from abject despair to joy. Why would they have allowed themselves to be
tortured and killed for something they again knew to be untrue?
I found
myself fascinated to have this evidence and these truths revealed to me and
could not believe that no-one had ever explained it all to me before.
It
is a sad shame, but no-one in this country really discusses religion and
certainly you just don't go around declaring your faith in God or telling people
that you love Jesus.
However, thanks to that Alpha course, I had a
complete epiphany and it was a life changing experience for me. I started
attending the church, at first in gratitude but not expecting to become a
member. I still, at that time, wondered why anyone would want to go to church
every week and for a two hour service at that!
However, there is a
fantastic leadership team at CCK and in particular a brilliant preacher called
Joel Virgo who is incredibly funny and down to earth. I soon found myself
really enjoying the worship and gripped by his sermons. It wasn't long before I
was even looking forward to going to church.
I then joined a small group
with my husband, read numerous books and even started doing a distance learning
course to learn more about the Christian faith and the bible.
That was
nearly six years ago. I still feel I am still at the start of my Christian
journey. Yes I believe in God and am assured of my salvation but I am still a
sinner and fall short of God's perfect standard. I still struggle with
weaknesses of character and know I don't pray as often as I should or read my
bible enough. I know that I have still not managed to place Christ at the
centre of my life but I also know that I don't need to earn God's love or my
place in heaven as it has been given to me by God as a gift and as a result of
his Amazing Grace.
I know I am completely undeserving but I am so
thankful for God's Grace.
I do want to become more Christlike in my
behaviour, words and thoughts and hope that my spiritual journey will enable me
to continue to grow and develop my faith and understanding of God.
I
still find it hard to share my testimony publicly with others or to talk to them
about my faith. It is hard to overcome years of ingrained culture. However, I
have come so far from where I started and each step takes me forward on my
journey.
I have decided to start this blog merely so that I have a record
of that journey. Hopefully one day I can look back and see the path that this
journey has led me on.
I am not sure where this blog will take me or
where God will lead me, but I am pretty certain that the journey will be very
exciting.
